Just Trying to Understand by Christie Cassisa


Just Trying to Understand

Sometimes my heart feels like it is going to break and I don’t know why.  
I feel stuck, sometimes, like that.  At that point where my heart is going to break.  And I don’t know why.
Its not a nice feeling, like there is a tornado coming, and you need to close the door, but for some reason the door doesn’t quite close.  And you don’t know why.
But its not a bad feeling, like there is an excitement about seeing a tornado, you know that apart from the destruction, you’ve wanted that kind of excitement for some time.  But you don’t know why.
You can’t run into the storm, it could be dangerous, but you don’t know why, you can’t close the door, but you don’t know why.
My painting stands on my easel, still wet from yesterdays painting session.  A painting of storm clouds, and a dark turbulent sea, yesterday I was lost in it, completely connected in emotion and colour, pouring out how I feel into the wild smeared marks.  I felt as if I had opened the door and stood on the threshold of the storm. Today I know that I am excited to return to that painting, but I am afraid too, and I don’t know why.
Perhaps it is an unconscious understanding that I am the storm, and in my mind, I test that theory, I let myself be the storm, and I see a small and fragile person, standing in a doorway of a flimsy shack, looking at me, not understanding anything.  

I am the storm.  I love that person, in her ignorance, standing in her illusion of safety, with her aura of apathy, crusted around her child like heart.  I want to give her a gift. My gift is to attack everything she has built around her, she is trapped in her own poisons, everything she has built up is a prison, I will show her how to be free!  She is scared, and it will seem devastating, but she will understand one day she doesn’t need those things. I am her rescuer, I am her best friend who loves her, I will tear down that prison, I will take her hand and we will fly!
by Christie Cassisa

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